Feeling

Am I so cold & emotionless that I can't cry?  Me, a Spock?  What?  Why
can I get choked up watching a tv show or movie, but I cannot feel
what I need to feel?  Why do I have to be strong for everyone else?
When . . . when do I get to just be . . . be relaxed . . . be carefree
. . . be taken care of instead of being the caretaker . . . be in a
position where I know I can let my guard down long enough to cry . . .
be . . . just be?  When I'm alone, my chest aches, my cheeks feel
weighted down, my jaw feels heavy, my throat tightens . . . but I
don't cry.  Logic tells me to cry.  I rationalize all of my decisions
. . . even when I conclude that crying is the solution, the tears
won't come.  I don't look for problems to solve - people bring their
problems to me.  I solve problems because they are there, not because
the problems are a challenge, but because that's what you do with
problems . . . you solve them, almost a compulsion.  I don't know how
to "stop."   I don't know how to shut down.  I know what I have to do
. . . can a stone-heart do what needs to be done, what has to be done?
 I need to cry - I have to cry.  I need to feel human, not like the
machine that I have become.  I have empathy for other people's
situations, but strain to feel this time.  Instead of being able to
feel, I feel . . . confusion . . . about not being able to feel.  I
ache, but not enough to cry.  If I cry, I can heal . . . I need to
cry.